Moving forward

This past week or so I’ve put into motion some events that now cannot be undone. That’s both good and bad. It means I’m taking steps for my future, but it’s also scary as hell. Although I’m still not ready to announce what is going to happen, just be aware that it’s pretty huge and will be a drastic change from my current way of life.

Late last week, I was suffering from a 3-day migraine, trapped mostly in bed, and thinking of the events that I put into motion. And I was scared. Scared of all of this failing. Scared of spending my life alone. Scared of ending up with nothing. And I started spiraling down into a hole. I was feeling depressed, like maybe I’ve made a huge mistake, and just concerned about all the work I have in front of me to make this plan a reality. I ended up reaching out to a friend, who texted with me late into the night and helped me feel so much better. So Doug, if you ever read this, thanks! I needed someone to distract me and make me feel like a worthwhile person, and you did an amazing job at it!

On Saturday, I decided to throw this out to the universe, and asked for a sign to guide me to making the right choice. Let me explain: I am not a religious person; I don’t believe in the concept of heaven and hell, although I do not believe that when humans die, they just disappear. They are “out there” somewhere. That being said, my mom died in late 2017, and in the years since, she has sent me signs several times. How? Well, I believe in the “Dimes from ‘Heaven'” theory, and yes, that seems a bit ironic since I don’t believe in the classic definition of heaven, but that’s just what this is called. I believe that when you run across random dimes, it’s a message from a loved one, letting you know everything is ok. For example, last summer my son was in a car accident. He and my mom were very close for his entire life, and the accident he was in had the potential to be really bad. He rear-ended somebody on the freeway, yet both he and the person he hit walked away. His car got towed to my house, and as I was cleaning it out (it was totaled), I found a dime on the floor of the driver’s seat. No other money in the entire car, no random pennies laying around, not a nickel to be found, but a dime in the exact spot my son was sitting. I believe she kept him safe. That wasn’t the only sign she has sent me, but in order to keep this post a readable length, we’ll skip those stories for now (maybe in a future post if anyone is interested).

So, back to asking for a sign to guide me… On Saturday, I was cleaning my house, dusting the china cabinet i took from my mom’s condo after she died. I decided to ask my mom for advice. I’m like “Mom, I have 2 choices here. One is the scary one that will drastically change my way of life, and the other is much more safe and would not require as many changes. Please send me a sign. If I should choose the scary choice, please show me a dime inside my house. If I should choose the safer option, please show me a dime somewhere outside my house.” I finished up the cabinet, finished cleaning the kitchen, and then moved on to the living room. I was dusting in there, and started dusting the little 3-shelf unit that had been hers, that has her Bose stereo on it. Normally I do just a quick once-over, in front of the equipment and on top of it. But this time I decided to pull it out away from the wall to dust behind the stereo. Guess what I found on the middle shelf, behind the Bose? Yeah, a dime… inside my house. Mom has chosen. She wants me to make the huge change. It is super risky, but omg the rewards of doing this are way too much to even comprehend. So I’m back to full steam ahead… still scared, but I really think it will be ok.